My big news

I’ll cut straight to it and then tell you why:

I’m pausing some things to make room for others, and inviting you to do the same.

This was a monumental summer. Estonia fear-facing aside, my life changed in a major way.

With only two weeks notice, in July my partner Damon and I moved his two kids, aged 15 and 9, from Maine to New York to live with us full time.

As any self-proclaimed A student might, I threw myself head-long into everything all at once. I created a Command Center whiteboard in the kitchen detailing chores, shopping lists and schedules; assembled furniture for two bedrooms; researched summer camps, gymnastics, online programs and new doctors, therapists and social workers; invented Sunday Family Meetings for us to talk about the week ahead; and braced myself for Barbies everywhere and jumping, singing, laughing and other loud sounds at all times of the day.

Between you and me, I also grieved a lot.

I had liked being childfree and hanging with the kids in brief fun stints a couple times a year. Getting to play and be silly, and come home to a clean bathroom and the couch and Netflix to myself. I reveled in traveling as a couple with Damon and sleeping in on weekends.

Suddenly my old life was over.

Sure new things can be great too, but it was really important to acknowledge my feelings. I hope you allow yourself to feel fully when big things happen in your life too.

A couple months in, we have settled into a routine and way of being altogether. Damon and I have had some date nights. The kids agreed they want to call me their stepmom, which is super special.

It’s also a lot.

My calendar is filled with appointments that aren’t my own. There is meal planning with picky eaters, one of them turning vegetarian overnight. There are complex emotions, outbursts, whining, for what seems like no reason. But there is a really big reason.

Everything has changed, for all of us.

Are you holding onto “a lot” right now too?

I keep hearing “it’s a lot” in nearly every conversation with clients and friends. We are holding a lot of things all at once: major work, health and personal life shifts, climate changes, political and social unrest, women’s rights in jeopardy. So much.

The question is: what do we do with this “a lot” we’re each holding onto?

The answer I realized almost immediately, and maybe you feel this too, is space.

But how do we get SPACE when there is So Much??

It feels impossible, perhaps even selfish, and yet I could feel myself craving it with every push I made to schedule meetings, plan events, etc etc. I wanted to run away, or at least turn things off for a while so I could have quiet, gentleness, self-compassion, focus.

Like a plant craving light, this is more than a nice-to-have. This space is necessary to our survival.

And our thriving! Space is life-giving, emotionally and mentally nourishing, and allows us to be more creative, productive, successful on the other side. Scientists have proven it. Likely in your past, there’s already proof of this. Pushing creates exhaustion, pausing creates expansion.

That’s when I made the decision to let something go to make room for this space.

Last week I announced a pause for Hudson Valley Women in Business, my vibrant community of 3000+ women business owners in upstate New York. Members will continue connecting and our Business Directory is still active, but our events, newsletters and social media will pause until early next year.

My coaching continues and I have more space to work with you!

My belief that Women Do Dusiness Differently continues too — in fact this weekend a few of us are Pulling a Plane to raise money for the American Cancer Society if you’d like to support us.

In my recent video message to our members, I invited them — and I’m inviting you now — to see where a pause can benefit you and your work. What needs less pushing and more space? What can you take time away from, even a few days or a month, to focus elsewhere, to feel more nourished, and to gain the perspective needed to make changes for the better?

Where are YOU being invited to pause and make space right now?

I’d love to hear about it. Please share your pauses with me.

I believe and trust that more is possible when we take space. I believe that we can be models for each other in what taking care of ourselves looks like. We can model what healthy businesses and leadership look like when people pause to reflect and take space to explore what’s next.

And we can show all the great things that come from it.

Watch out! Good stuff on the way. :)

I'm still scared

It turns out I am still a scaredy cat.

My recent visit to Estonia proved that.

Despite how often I repeat the words I’m scared & doing it anyway in speeches and writing, and how often people repeat them back to me, saying it and living it are very different.

This mantra came out of one of the most harrowing moments of my life: being diagnosed with a brain tumor at 28. Facing my own mortality changed the course of my work, my relationships, the city where I live, you name it.

For a while, it also put facing everyday fear into perspective.

There’s Big Fear like the tumor, things we have to face no matter what, and there is smaller fear we often make a lot bigger in our minds.

It’s still uncomfortable to face the unknowns of traveling alone, moving where you don’t know anyone, ending relationships, speaking in public, standing up to bullies, quitting your job to pursue your passion, raising your prices, putting yourself out there in a myriad of ways, but in most cases you’ll survive through the nerves, embarrassment and potential disappointment (along with potentially disappointing others).

In the wake of my Big Fear I ended up doing all of those smaller fears in succession in the years that followed. They were disorienting and upsetting at times, but ultimately manageable. Like my mantra, I learned I could be scared & do them anyway.

When has that happened in your life?

When have you made it through gigantic challenges that put the ones you used to fear into perspective? How have you surprised yourself as you moved through fears that would have held you back in the past?

Cut to Estonia.

Beautiful country! And incredible history of resilience after being occupied by both the Soviet Union and Germany throughout the 20th century and finally gaining its freedom in 1991.

I love travel, but I can forget how much of it freaks me out.

Like the succession of smaller fears from before, another series punctuated this trip:

• The 20-minute ride in a prop plane from Helsinki to Tallinn, Estonia’s capital. Thank goodness for decent weather though I may have held my breath for most of it.

• Climbing circular staircases to lookouts and church steeples, several of which involved rickety ladders, metal (read: see-through) steps, narrow stretches while passing other people and limp rope handrails that don’t really stabilize you like you (I) would like.

• Standing while swinging. See video below. I’m embarrassed to admit how tightly I hung on.

• Riding in the side car of a Russian motorcycle from the 1960’s. Ditto about hanging on.

• “Naked sauna with the neighbors.”

That one deserves its own standup routine to adequately portray all the facial expressions, eye contact avoidance and awkward body language. There were so many smaller fears it’s hard to account for them all. In addition to how uncomfortable most Americans are about being naked, there’s doing it in front of several strangers, next to a driveway during the day, lying in the grass to rest in between (read: bugs in unmentionable places), and the Estonian tradition of light beating with leafy Birch branches — while also naked.

As is the case with most smaller fears, everyone survived.

Despite that, did I still repeat “I don’t want to do this” silently to myself? Yes.

In the course of my time in Estonia, as the number of times I didn't want to do something increased to at least once daily, I realized how safely limited my life had become.

I needed to reconnect with how to do-it-anyway.

Because there will always be something that feels uncomfortable or nearly debilitating, especially as we continue to step out of our comfort zones at work and in life. The most wonderful opportunities are there, so hopefully we do keep doing it.

How you treat yourself when those things happen is the key.

How to be scared & do it anyway

1. Acknowledge the fear.

   It’s okay to feel scared. Naming the fear, no matter how small, makes it real and manageable whereas ignoring it makes it grow and can cause shame. You don’t deserve that.

2. Be very kind.

   Treat yourself like you would a toddler who’s frightened of the dark. Console yourself. Sit with yourself. Hold yourself. Say “I’m right here with you.” There is no reason to rush this. I often excuse myself to the bathroom for some love & pep talks in the mirror.

3. Determine how to do this your way.

   You don’t have to say yes and blindly go along with something just because everyone else seems okay with it. Ask for clarification. I asked A LOT about the sauna in order to find some comfort. A LOOOOOTTTTTT. Set some boundaries for how long you’ll stay, or how high you’ll climb on those rickety stairs. Most people will go along with your needs, and they don’t count anyway.

4. Be proud of yourself.

   Even if you don’t stay very long, don’t participate as much as others, etc you showed up and that is more than enough. We had a rule in my house growing up, “You at least have to try.” That usually referred to asparagus, but it applies here because whatever you do is something more than you probably would have in the past. Be proud of your effort and be proud of being kind to yourself.

What are your tactics for being scared & doing it anyway? What are your stories of fear-facing and being proud of yourself? I would love to hear them.

And I’m happy to hear about your own naked sauna with the neighbors experience. It’s all welcome.