How to dwell less on things you can't control

In the next installment of how A students get in our own way, let’s talk about Dwelling.

Dwelling in this case is time spent after a conversation, meeting or event concerned about what you said, how you said it, how people may or may not have responded in the moment, what they think of you now, and how little any of this is within your control.

Oh how I wish I could control all of this! How about you?

As the title suggests, if you’re a serial Dwell-er (worrier, anxious person) like me I don’t think it’s fair to assume we can just turn off this part of ourselves. And yes for the record, I wish I could control that too.

Instead, I think it’s more reasonable for those of us afflicted with Dwelling to lovingly take it down a notch.

How that can look:

1. Go in with a succinct plan. Before having said conversation or attending said meeting, consider how you’d like to feel at the end of it. Satisfied with your contribution? Buoyed by at least one worthwhile contact made?

2. Choose 1-3 ways you’ll work the plan. Also in advance (#1 & 2 can take under five minutes) consider what you will do in support of your desired outcome. For instance, if you’re looking for at least one worthwhile contact, how will you encourage yourself as you enter the virtual or in-person room, or what might you say to inspire a meaningful interaction?

3. Make a list right away. The moment the conversation ends or you turn off Zoom, write down at least three ways you feel good about how it went. Don’t overthink it (haha I know). Jot down what you liked about how the meeting was set up, how you handled yourself, a joke that was told, or a compliment you received. Especially that last one, write it down.

4. Be kind to your Dwelling. When that old familiar feeling surfaces with what-if’s galore, ask yourself, “But, what worked about it?” and refer to your answers from #3 so you have something positive in front of you to Dwell on.

5. Get your extra credit. If your Dwelling hits overdrive and you’ve already reviewed #3 and reminded yourself that you did you best, it’s time to CHANNEL that energy for good. Take a hard turn in your mental focus, immediately choose the next meeting on your calendar and do steps #1 & 2. If you need to, keep doing it for more meetings until you feel more grounded.

While you can’t control the past, you can always control your present and future actions.

Repeat it again: While you can’t control the past, you can always control your present and future actions.

Take care when your Dwelling powers are activated, be kind to yourself, and channel that energy into something positive that will make a difference.

You are powerful!

What helps you to Dwell less? I’d love to learn your techniques!

Taking control of this year

I don’t know about you, but after last year I trust myself less, especially my ability to plan.

I’ve adopted a wait-and-see mentality, often doing only what’s right in front of me. In several interviews lately, I mentioned how comforting it is to do laundry or clean my bathroom. I know when both are complete and the finality, compactness of them is a relief when everything else feels up in the air.

I’m talking about control. I can control my bathroom. Outside that, not so much.

Truth is we never have as much control as we wish we did, it just takes big things like a pandemic, racial injustice and political unrest to make it crystal clear. My brain tumor did the same, no matter how “good” I was, how I tried to do the “right” things, I needed those one, two and three surgeries, to be patient with unending tests, and to be a patient for as long as my doctors deemed necessary.

If you’re seeking control this year, here are things to keep in mind that I’m reminding myself daily too.

We can only control:

• What we think about what’s happening

• How we feel about it

• The words we use

• The people we lean on and listen to, and

• The choices we make

The list may be short but there’s a lot to work with here.

Every day you get to decide where you’re putting your attention. The words you will tell yourself when you feel unsure. The actions you will take toward your goal, and what you’ll let go of worrying about or fixating on because it isn’t something you can do anything about.

Special note for us A students about what isn’t on this list: No matter how hard you try, worry or turn yourself in knots, you can’t control other people. If they’ll love you, accept you, respect you, choose you for that promotion or buy from your business. I hate it too sometimes.

Which is why it’s helpful to remember the above includes choosing the people you have around you. Choosing people who want to say yes, who have the capacity to give you what you want, and who believe wholeheartedly in you.

Another note for those of us feeling so much is out of our control: There are big things happening all around us right now. Just because something feels big, there are still things you can do about it. Look back at that list. Choose your words, thoughts, feelings and actions. Worry less about anyone else’s and maintain laser focus on your own. There is a lot of power there.

You are sitting on a lot of power.

Decide what this year will mean to you, who you’ll invite along with you, and every step you’ll take. That is more than enough to achieve anything.

Oh and one last gem from a session with my coach years ago: “Just because you feel something, doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it.”

Feeling out of control, or feeling like things are out of your control, can cause you to run in all directions. Get out the chocolate! Hide under a blanket! Give in to opportunities that don’t feel like a fit but feel “safe.” If you feel like you have to do something, stop. Feel what you feel. That’s enough.

What are you taking control of this year?

Tell me! Let’s keep each other accountable.