How to dwell less on things you can't control
/In the next installment of how A students get in our own way, let’s talk about Dwelling.
Dwelling in this case is time spent after a conversation, meeting or event concerned about what you said, how you said it, how people may or may not have responded in the moment, what they think of you now, and how little any of this is within your control.
Oh how I wish I could control all of this! How about you?
As the title suggests, if you’re a serial Dwell-er (worrier, anxious person) like me I don’t think it’s fair to assume we can just turn off this part of ourselves. And yes for the record, I wish I could control that too.
Instead, I think it’s more reasonable for those of us afflicted with Dwelling to lovingly take it down a notch.
How that can look:
Go in with a succinct plan. Before having said conversation or attending said meeting, consider how you’d like to feel at the end of it. Satisfied with your contribution? Buoyed by at least one worthwhile contact made?
Choose 1-3 ways you’ll work the plan. Also in advance (#1 & 2 can take under five minutes) consider what you will do in support of your desired outcome. For instance, if you’re looking for at least one worthwhile contact, how will you encourage yourself as you enter the virtual or in-person room, or what might you say to inspire a meaningful interaction?
Make a list right away. The moment the conversation ends or you turn off Zoom, write down at least three ways you feel good about how it went. Don’t overthink it (haha I know). Jot down what you liked about how the meeting was set up, how you handled yourself, a joke that was told, or a compliment you received. Especially that last one, write it down.
Be kind to your Dwelling. When that old familiar feeling surfaces with what-if’s galore, ask yourself, “But, what worked about it?” and refer to your answers from #3 so you have something positive in front of you to Dwell on.
Get your extra credit. If your Dwelling hits overdrive and you’ve already reviewed #3 and reminded yourself that you did you best, it’s time to CHANNEL that energy for good. Take a hard turn in your mental focus, immediately choose the next meeting on your calendar and do steps #1 & 2. If you need to, keep doing it for more meetings until you feel more grounded.
While you can’t control the past, you can always control your present and future actions.
Repeat it again: While you can’t control the past, you can always control your present and future actions.
Take care when your Dwelling powers are activated, be kind to yourself, and channel that energy into something positive that will make a difference.
You are powerful!
What helps you to Dwell less? I’d love to learn your techniques!
